This has been quite the interesting year.
So many things have changed for me, it almost feels like it just happened a few months ago, yet here we are approaching the end of another year.
I had a full time job which I was released from (thank god!), then I had a contract job which sadly ended and the relationship where I had became engaged, ended and I am not sad about that.
I knew when 2019 came, everything in my life had to change. Everything!
I wasn’t happy in my relationship, anymore.
Who I am kidding here, this is the year end message.
Let me be straight….I wasn’t happy for a long time. There were so many more days where I found myself more repulsed by his ever existence, from his hair to his weight, his clothes, the way he spoke, just everything.
I was never a person to submit to anyone I didn’t care for just because of money or prestige for which he had neither. (So I’m sure up to this part, you’re probably asking “why did you stay in it?”).
Our relationship was stressful to say the least and when I came to discover my parents were not fans of his, I felt I was caught in the middle and I honestly didn’t know what to do. Between going to a job where I hated every single person I worked with and then coming home to deal with the nonsense of the tension at home.
In retrospect, I completely understand why my parents were unhappy. Being their first child, I think they expected more from me and while I tried to defend my relationship, at the end of the day, I just found there was really nothing to defend. And my feeling sorry for him, I had to come to grips, when we discussed about him moving here so we can begin a life together, he made his decision. It was his and his alone, because he could have said, hells no and it probably would have saved me a lot of aggravation and money.
What was funny, where was the unwelcomed advice for this relationship?
Which now leads to the present day.
On November 30, 2019, I did a show after two weeks of silence.
As I shared on the first part of my show, I received the unexpected news my contract came to an end due to financial hardship the company is temporarily experiencing.
In addition, as most know who have been following Unfiltered and articles I had written in relation to this subject, I had a thing for the guy I was working for (well more than a “thing”).
Granted, nothing ever happened between us while I was working there (thank goodness), I found there was only so much I can share about what was going on with me due to highly opinionated people who felt it was okay to say mean things on the account they’re my friend.
While I do agree, the situation was not handled in the most professional manner, I do believe if communications between he and I were better, I might be telling a different story.
It also didn’t help in their process to hire an accountant, after seeing several people, under my suggestion, they hired someone I felt would fit into the culture.
The bad thing about when you hire someone, you never know what drama they are going to bring into the workplace and after a few days, I realized, hiring this woman was a big mistake, especially when how she was spewing her personal life story and the more she talked about it, the more I realized this was a miserable woman.
Then it hit me….you know how were we are in our lives, we tend to attract people who are not good for us, and for some reason this woman reminded me of the female version of Shane.
It was bad. Even the faces she made were just like his, the scrunched up lip, every time I came into the office (sadly she was sharing the office with the guy I like), if I came in talking she would shh me, which followed up with my resting bitch face of, “who the fuck are you shhsing”.
I mean bitch just got there and she’s already shushing someone she doesn’t even know.
This situation, coupled with my feelings and everything else going on was a recipe for disaster.
So for the last several weeks that have gone by, I’ve been somewhat of a recluse, chanting and meditating so I can come to healthy resolutions of the next steps for my life.
While I can’t change the past, it’s amazing how individuals offered their “ideas” of why things happened, when I didn’t ask for their ideas or their opinions. And I had to laugh by myself (and maybe with some friends who are on the same level as me) and wonder where people get their ideas about how I should live MY life.
Here are the many things I’ve learned this past year:
Unconditional love in friendships has conditions.
People who don’t feel good about themselves and your progress are the friends in waiting for you to fuck up so they can throw it in your face.
Your mistakes are the expense of your friend’s egos.
Sometimes your success is not a celebration for them.
Your friends don’t make you pick sides.
People will surround you because they are on the come up.
Miserable people will not wish you well.
Broken hearted, bitter people will not be the positive sounding board when you’re pursuing a relationship with someone. Don’t share your happiness with these people ever!
People in the workplace will have no problem throwing you under the bus to make themselves look good.
Jealousy is very real even in people you have known for years and say they are your friend.
Align yourself with people who are on the same success path as you.
Remain positive at all times. When you’re constantly spewing negative shit you will only gain more negative energy.
Take the time to keep a personal journal and write, even if just for a couple of lines.
Define who you are, stand by your beliefs.
No is still a complete sentence. No need for commas.
Don’t stay in relationships where people make you feel suffocated.
Don’t make excuses.
It’s okay to love no matter how much older or younger they are from you (within reason people, over 25 please).
If you love someone, tell them.
Don’t waste time!
Fuck what other people think (seriously).
“Expansion Always in All Ways” Ryan Serhant
We, as humans, as who we define ourselves, don’t like to look inward and see our faults.
Do you know why?
Because it hurts.
It hurts when we think back of choices we have made and if we had dealt with it another way, maybe, just maybe, things would be different. But it’s too late and we can’t go back to the past and change it. We can only take advantage by learning from it.
We also have control of our present and our future.
Our past gives us reflection on how to handle situations if they come back again in a different set of circumstances. Our present is who we are today and how we handle things differently, having learned from our past mistakes.
Our future is the door of endless possibilities…but you have to believe.
If someone told me in 2002, Marabelle, you are going to know so many people who respect you and respect what you do, your writing will improve, you’re going to write a book and you will be doing a radio show and interviewing fantastic people…trust me I would have never believed it.
But yet here I am.
It wouldn’t be possible with all the wonderful people in my life, Mistress Rage, Marcus Dowling, The Alissa Black, Amberly Rothfield, Erika Icon, all the Dommes and subs who fully support the magazine, all of my friends and family. It would be just too long of a list to mention but know you are important to me.
All of those who took the time out to be interviewed and hope to feature you again!
My close friends and confidant who I can share my personal journey of my love life, my goals and aspirations.
None of these things would be possible without the full support of everyone who stood by me all of these years.
While there were endings I celebrated, there was one ending, which happened in 2018, the first year anniversary of my dog, Tessa’s passing. The feisty little being is ever present in this home and will never be forgotten. Not ever.
The scary part of what happened this summer was when my father had a heart attack. Something I never expected to deal with and thankfully my mom and I pulled it together and my father is doing well.
I have my struggles, yet I’m still not perfect. (Just in case you don’t know I’m being sarcastic).
While we all take the time out to make our resolutions for next year, don’t forget to take the time out to remember those who have passed on.
Reflect, believe and aspire.
Most importantly, remove those who don’t serve a purposed in your life. Move on, they will be just fine without you.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and Happy New Year!
Always remember, be good to each other, be good to yourself and most importantly
Take care of you.