When There Are More Questions Than Answers
As our technology increases with more sophisticated devices to help us with communicating, the physical interaction from person to person grows apart.
Welcome to a new Kink’s Korner...I haven’t done these in a very long time and to be honest I’m not quite sure I stopped other than writing An Illegal Affair among other things.
Just to give you a little background, my Kink’s Korner was my way of blogging after the ill fated end of the AOL free pages where I kept an online diary.
My online diary was the lead to beginning Kink~E Magazine. People related to my blog so much, I knew, if I started something bigger, there would be people who would come in and contribute.
It took a while and yes it did happen and here we are today.
I miss doing my blogging and keeping everyone posted on my life happenings but also we have changed so much in our technology it makes me wonder if it is worth the write or do videos - maybe both, because my passion is writing and yes do I enjoy doing videos, absolutely, perhaps short and sweet ones.
Also the other part is, having people, also known as stalkers, who think they know me and fall in love with what they see in what I choose to put out there, but never knowing me behind closed doors. When someone loves me like that, the warning signs are pretty clear, this isn’t an ordinary fan and because of that, it made me reluctant to write.
So I’m going to push past my fears Here we go.
The last several months have been a whirlwind of good...but before the good, there was constant bad, almost every day. I was at a dead end job I had planned to leave in November whether I had something or not. I was setting up shop for my vanilla business which is now in order and only came to be once the corporate job from hell took it upon themselves to give me my walking papers (and they did me a huge favor by doing that).
And while I was at a dead end job, being treated like shit on a constant and spied on because they felt my cell phone was taking away attention from some bitch who jacked up her expenses, to get more money back from the company, I was also in a dead end relationship which I talked about on my Unfiltered show on KEM TopTalk Radio [https://www.blogtalkradio.com/kemtoptalk/2019/06/23/marabelle-blue-unfiltered-episode-21--why-my-relationship-ended].
On top of that, the stress coming from my parents, after we purchased a five bedroom house together, were made to feel uncomfortable by the partner I thought I was going to marry. By this time, I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to marry him. I just couldn’t see ‘us’ happening at all.
There was a negative at work, a negative at home and the only in-between solace I had was the nightmare hour and half car ride home. Since I was a fairly new driver, the idea of driving on the highway frightened me. I have seen the accidents out here in Arizona and they are pretty ugly. So I would spend that time catching up with my friends talking on the phone (bluetooth for the record), trying to sort out the madness of work and the madness at home.
I knew I had to end my relationship, but I didn’t know how. I felt terrible because I felt I uprooted this man’s life to move out here for me and then when he got here, it was only two weeks after his arrival I realized this relationship was a mistake, but the “trooper” in me was set on making it work and the harder I worked, I was met with brick walls.
He got annoyed at everything. I mean everything.
My dogs barked, he got annoyed.
My dogs got near him when he was eating, he got annoyed.
When I wanted sex he got annoyed (yes you read that right)
The only things that made him happy were alcohol and cigarettes. Two habits I gave up years ago, and when his money ran out, guess who was supplier for his habits. And oh….naps. Boy did he love to sleep. And when he wasn’t sleeping, he was busy watching YouTube, mostly scientific videos or military videos where after a while I would find him crying like a little baby over some experiences he never got over and never got therapy for.
His attitude towards life was he was right and everyone was wrong.
The attraction I initially had for him very early on in our relationship dissipated like the wicked witch of the West melting and disappearing into the earth, as fast and quickly as when it all began. We became two people existing in my house as he took up residence in the bedroom across from mine.
When my parents arrived, his attitude became worse and between his hostility towards my parents, as if he had some kind of stake in this house and my mother’s behavior towards him, it was like a competition. My mother despised him. She says she didn’t but I know she did. He made comments I wish not to disclose on here for personal reasons. But I will say this, after that comment I became very afraid for my parents safety.
Did I believe he would hurt them, in my heart - no. But as I learned in life you never know what people are capable of and I did not want a "star" appearance on Investigation Discovery because I brought a “psychopath” into our lives.
The day he left back to Canada, I was sad. I believed the distance would perhaps make him appreciate 'us' more as a couple and maybe he would learn the errors of his way and change. But as the days went on and the days turned to weeks, I realized there was no reason for him to come back.
What would I be greeted with if he did come back?
It wasn’t like he was going to change in a matter of months. He was still going to be the same miserable little old man, drinking, smoking and napping and it wasn’t going to change because I wanted it to change. Only those who truly want to change, will, but only for themselves not for someone else.
So why am I writing all of this?
Simply because this new chapter in my life has afforded me a new outlook on what I can accomplish without having a relationship in the way of my projects.
And when things got quiet on the home front and my house in order, I land a new job as an independent contractor, and the person I’m working with is someone I have come to respect but then the unexpected happens.
Because we work close together, I began to have some feelings and I thought to myself, I’m just being lustful so just enjoy the eye candy. But then the eye candy changed to something else.
Something I can’t seem to control. I don’t know when it changed, how it started or even why. It came to a point (still) that I can't stop thinking about him.
And when I figured out (or maybe accepted) okay, I like this guy, now I’m left wondering, does he like me or is just being nice? Is he nice like this to every girl or does he have a vested interest with me somehow…? Does he sense an attraction but he doesn’t know how to go about it or am I creating stuff in my head because I’m seeing what I want to see?
My weight plays a big part with my self esteem. You see when I was thirty-something, I was a size 4 and dating came just as easy as going through my closet and throwing on anything. And when depression came along and all the weight I lost slowly crept back on and then some, I find now all I want to do is hide in my clothes.
And while yes, I am doing something about my weight and working out every day, besides the weight, I’m not thirty-something anymore and well, life is different.
Our conversations have shifted and while before we were cordial, it’s gotten a little bit more personal.
I like the way he jokes around and makes me laugh. I like how he’s silly around me and I can prank him and he doesn’t get mad. I like that we both like the same things, and we have so much in common. So much so I can’t think of any guy I’ve been with in the last ten years I’ve had so much in common with.
There are times I find myself looking into his eyes like a lost puppy while trying to maintain my emotions and I wonder, is he thinking the same thing I am as he stares back into my eyes.
Will there come a point where we will be in the right place at the right time to see if there’s something there or not? Will we get the opportunity to kiss?
He makes me feel different and I have yet to understand why. I’m afraid of my feelings and I’m afraid of getting hurt. And because of my past decisions I'm left to wonder about my validity of making the right choices for my life.
There are a few people I have spoken to about him, including my ex, who believes something good can come out of this, it will just take time.
And while the few I’ve spoke to believe this can be the start of something great, I’m still left wondering am I assuming the wrong thing and is he just being nice?
Only time will tell.
Until then, Take Care of You.