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Are there Boundaries in BDSM?

March 27, 2019

 

 

As I perused through my timeline on Twitter this past week, I caught a clip of  double dommes whipping a guy. Two thoughts crossed my mind watching this clip, one was, “wow, does he really want that”, he didn’t seem like he was having fun, the other thought that popped into my head was, “and he isn’t in a stationed position where he can avoid getting hurt with the whip with him moving around like that.”

 

Nothing much came of it until the clip began circulating with an array of women calling out this particular Domintrix telling her this was not BDSM and was constituted as abuse.

 

More comments flowed about people possibly getting their kidneys hurt, etc. I was a little lost with that one, that was until the picture finally circulated on my time line of a man filled with bruises all over his body. People mentioned it may have come from caning but no one knew for sure.

 

So being the nosy body I am, I went on to this particular “Domme” profile just to see what was up, most importantly am I following them. Between the BDSM world and the Adult Entertainment World, no one is ever perfect and sometimes I may run into this that I may not agree with and don’t want to be a follower of such things.

 

Looking at her timeline I see a lot of ‘bruising’ pictures and I think well, maybe her specialty is bruising people but at what point? I’d like to believe that women who enter the world of becoming a ProDomme has taken up sufficient education with someone and if they desire to upgraded their education, they would seek someone who has that particular specialty and can teach them.

 

While the bruised man proudly displayed his pictures, the comments were just as bad (for lack of a better statement).

 

So honestly, my thoughts went to, “okay so someone has fetish for markings and bruises”. Do I necessarily agree with the fetish? It doesn’t matter to me for as long as those parties are playing safe and nothing happens like a vein gets broken and then the man is spewing blood all over the place…you get the picture. Not a pretty one either.

 

What I found disturbing, was the dude on the floor getting whipped. He was moving around, he wasn’t stationed properly on a cross or a bench, something where he won’t ge mobile and get hit in the wrong place with a flying whip coming towards him.

 

In our world of BDSM, as a person who had interviewed many Domintrixes over the years, I have learned a lot, and still continue to educate myself through who I believe are the very best in the business.

 

While I may not agree with every Dominatrix choice of how they treat their subs and consequently it’s none of my business, I will always give the respect they deserve and respect their craft.

 

But on the flip side, it leads me to this question for all Dominatrixes, when a client approaches them with a fetish they feel may be a bit too much will they do it because they can’t pass up the money, or take a chance and hope for the best.

 

Furthermore, does the community not have a right to get involved in protecting the lifestyle as a whole in how we are viewed in the public eye or do we as a community turn our heads the other way, ignore and hope the person acting up goes away?

 

Does each Domme have a right to choose how they wish to deal with each client even if they ask for the most outrages “fetish” at this risk of permanently hurting them?

This is where the problem lies.

 

Fact:  Hardcore BDSM sites exist. And just the front page was enough for me to say, “I’ll pass.”

 

But does that mean I get to decide for the next person what is acceptable BDSM and what is not? Does that mean I get to control the actions of another person’s fetish or a Dominatrix because I personally feel it’s too hardcore? Does that mean I get to tell the webmaster, “take that shit down that’s not BDSM!”

 

Nope. Maybe some things are not meant for public consumption. And while we all may not agree with certain things that doesn’t constitute as BDSM, there are those who will honor hardcore fetishes and maybe choose not to share out of fear of the backlash.

 

As a business owner, this is where it may get dicey. I have people paying for advertising. While there may be people who may not like other advertisers (for whatever reason that may be), at the end of the day, if said person or persons haven’t killed anyone, did any lude acts like pedophilia who other unconscionable acts, I don’t see any reason why anyone shouldn’t be allowed to advertise.

 

Then there’s my moralistic side. Let’s just say there’s a person who may be an unscrupulous business owner and I have knowledge of that but there is no proof, other than inconsistent responses about the business. Does that mean I have an obligation to let them to advertise on my magazine? Making business choices for personal gain due to popularity of another client is not my way of doing business. Once I make choices like that, I devalue my magazine just for another follower…?

 

Personally, for me, I would not allow it nor would I support them in any social media forum. Downgrading isn’t in my book of literature on account of quantity over quality.

 

But, on a bigger platform like a clip site, I would have to ask, are most of these sites hosted outside of the country? The next steps would be research the laws in other countries in how they do business with the USA and how that may affect how you do business here with said overseas business. Anyone who has taken Business Management, this is part of your curriculum (it was part of mine). But seriously, you don’t’ have to be a business major to seek out this information.

 

I have learned from experience that blasting people out on Twitter and complaining about it gets nothing done. There’s a reason why it’s called Twitter. A lot of people chirp a good game, but when she shit gets real and it’s time to put footwork into it, they fly away.

 

I know some people reading this would expect me to pick a side in regards to these clips but I cannot. Running a publication, honoring all lifestyles, I cannot pick sides because one hates the other or doesn’t agree with the other parties and what they are doing.

 

However, I do pick the side of caution and playing safe. There are so many different type of fetishes in our world that if I listed them I would be writing a book. It is not my personal responsibility to dictate to anyone how they wish to practice their BDSM lifestyle choices.

 

As a community, our responsibility is to continue to educate and use the valuable resources we have available. For example, Kink~E Magazine and many other publications like Kink Weekly, a publication who also offers fabulous information on different practices of fetishes and playing safe. Other resources include establishments who hold seminars where you can participate getting hands on experience with people within the industry who have years of experience and are well respected community members.

 

Here’s another thing I’ve noticed. Too many people calling themselves educators, behaving like ‘Arnold Horshack’, raising their hands because they have an answer to every question. Since when did everyone decide they were going to become a school teacher of fetish. Yes, it’s one thing to help someone or becoming a mentor, but once anyone begins announcing themselves as an “educator” and placing labels next to their names or validating themselves with a title without the proper education or licenses, be prepared to respond appropriately, without judgement and most importantly without shaming.

 

These self-implored titles can not only have you answering to the local authorities for fraud, be aware, you have someone’s life in your hands. It is a serious issue when someone is seeking help and they require someone who has put in the man-hours of schooling and internship that can properly help someone through a tough time.

 

Last I checked impersonating a therapist or psychologist without the proper licenses can get you in real big trouble. My advice, don’t give yourself titles unless you have the license to prove it.

 

I am fully aware social media brings those who have only self-fulling aspects of how much they can profit, not caring about the end result and potentially harming another human being. These are the people I keep at a distance. In my own personal experience, if someone is seeking assistance with something I don’t have knowledge or experience with, I contact someone I can recommend for them and connect them so I know the person is in the right hands.

 

As for those with experience seeking to become an educator for the community, I would say first, be proud of your craft and if you want to become and educator, I suggest getting with some serious 24/7 lifestylers who can teach you the education you need to help others. Perhaps even commit to writing a book or beginning with a personal daily blog not for public consumption.

 

This takes time. But…if you’re interested in becoming an overnight sensation for the sake of being recognized by your peers without the hard work, this is not for you. Believe it or not, education requires education.

 

I continue to surround myself with people who want to learn and expand their minds. They are not judgmental but remain cautious with whom they choose to connect with.

As a community we should all crave knowledge.

 

My peers and people with whom I work with, aim on how we can be inform and inform others of our teachings. While anger may be an expressive form, especially from these recent images and yelling out “that’s not BDSM” it doesn’t resolve a damn thing but thanks for your vocal thoughts.

 

We cannot control how the public views us. Movies and televisions shows have been made about BDSM with very little support from the BDSM community members who live this lifestyle in real life (with the exception of the move Secretary) ;-)

 

We understand this is not a made up Christian Grey fantasy or some woman who gets picked up in a bar by a guy who confused her for a dominatrix, inspiring her to make a television show out of it. The BDSM Community doesn’t need outside help in being recognized and in how the public views us.

 

The sad fact is like many other belief systems, people will never change their minds about how they look at fetishes, community members and even Adult Entertainers. Their “Jesus save us” tactics will always be present because they are just as passionate about their cause as we are.

 

Internally, while we cannot control other people’s actions and their mindset of what they believe is BDSM for them and how they choose to run their sessions with a client, we can only provide education and hope the end result is something will click before someone gets hurt.

 

If anything we must all follow the spoken rule that never changes:

 

Trust, Consent, Respect.

 

Educate because you love it. Love it because it fulfills you. Be passionate because you’re making a difference and you’re learning about yourself in the process. We engage with others because it feels good to talk with and be around like mind individuals. Humility is the key that keeps us growing. I’ve been told this from day one when I first got clean and sober. I wouldn’t have almost 28 years in sobriety if I didn’t have humility.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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