Overcoming the Challenges of Polyamorous Dating

Written by the House of Algos

The lady you have been flirting with all week finally said yes to a date. You are on cloud 9. Now all you have to do is pick a day to hang out. She opens her Google Calendar and you open yours. She has a scene with her Dom on Monday, lunch with her pup on Tuesday, and dinner with her submissive on Wednesday. You have a date with your little on Monday, a class with your submissive on Tuesday, and a rope class with your boyfriend on Wednesday. You two decide to meet on Thursday. You can’t wait to go home and tell your wife!

Let me begin by saying that everything I am writing about is from my experience as being polyamorous (poly), your experience may be different. I have noticed a trend amongst myself and my fellow kinky poly friends and wanted to share our findings with you all, to help make poly dating easier for you. For some people, polyamorous dating can be very challenging. First, you have limited your dating pool just by deciding to be polyamorous. Next, if you have a primary, a partner, and/or multiple partners, there are challenges associated specifically with dating while poly and partnered. Then, there is the topic of communication between all parties involved. Lastly, there is the most frightening problem of all, the green-eyed monster, jealousy.

Polyamory is a growing trend. It is far more accepted than it was in years past, however it is still the minority. So, what do you do when most people you meet do not share your preferred relationship model? You must seek a target rich environment. It may not be sufficient to look for polyamorous partner at a bar or club or supermarket in the “wild.” As much as we want to find that kinky poly partner in the produce section and make some corny joke about melons, peaches, and eggplants to win their hearts, this method usually is not that effective.

You may need to seek out your local poly community through online means. Find online groups that can help you get access to people who share your preferred relationship model. Once you start searching online, you will find munches, classes, meetups, and play parties (oh my!) where you can get more exposure to the poly people your kinky soul so desperately craves. You can always roll the dice and try to convince someone who knows nothing about polyamory to be open to it. I have not found that to be a phenomenally successful technique but then we all learn about it somewhere. The silver lining here is once you tap into the polyamorous community you are likely to find that people are just as excited to find you as you are to find them. Remember too that even when you find the right person, they might not be single, and you may need to wait your turn for a date. If you find your ego bruised when this happens use it as a learning opportunity. If they are very busy but are still trying to spend time with you, then they must see the value in your time too. This leads us to our second challenge to overcome.

The second component that can make polyamorous dating challenging is the juggling of multiple partners. Dating can be challenging enough when you only have yourself and your needs to consider. But what if you have a partner at home and you were dating someone else? Having honest, open lines of communication will be key to making sure that everyone is being heard and that feelings are being respected. If you find the right partner, often they can act as a resource and make the process even easier. My primary and I like to “hunt” together. We may have better luck together because one of us may be less intimidating or be the main intended target. Furthermore, I am lucky enough to have a partner that can help me process my experiences with others and key me into when I am not really listening to my heart or head. Most of the time when I am on solo dates, my partner is rooting for me and is turned on knowing I might be getting dirty with someone else. Often, people will not believe that the relationship is truly open or polyamorous and having your partner present is verification of your open relationship. I would however recommend solo dates early on even if you plan to spend time together as a group, it can be less overwhelming for both parties.

Lastly, we have the J-word, jealousy. It is a challenge, but I like to think of it like fear. Lots of us have parts of our lives that may give us fear. Some of us even have jobs where we experience fear every day (think police or middle school teacher). The solution is bravery, which is not the absence of fear but not letting that source of fear stop us. Not everyone will experience jealousy, but when you do have those feelings, you can be brave in the face of jealousy. Acknowledge your feelings and know that you will survive this moment. Whenever these feelings occur, speak with your partner about how you are feeling. Don’t try to hide or push these feelings aside, because they will build up, eat at you, and one day come out in a nasty, explosive way. Remember, communication is the lube to a relationship: use it, use it, use it.

The opposite to jealousy is compersion. Compersion is experiencing joy from other’s experiences of pleasures. You can have feelings of compersion knowing your partner is on a date with someone else. Compersion may come easier for some people than for others, but it can be learned and exercised, just like compassion. The key thing to think about when it comes to jealousy and compersion is to always ask yourself these questions: Why are you poly? Are your actions safe? Are you happy with your lifestyle? Are your needs being met? Are you having fun?

Let’s recap: If you want to find more poly partners, look for poly groups online and go to munches, game nights, and dungeons where you can increase your chances of bumping into people who want the same things you do. Communicate with all partners about intentions and feelings. Keep an organized calendar and honor the dates when you say you are going to meet up or talk with someone. If you feel ego bruised for not always being the first in line, use it as a learning opportunity. If you ever have moments of jealousy, know that these feelings can be healthy and to always talk about these feelings with your partner to address why you feel this way. Have fun, be safe, and live your kinky life to the fullest.

This article was written by AtomicAnaAlgos and Ezra8 of the House of Algos.

The House of Algos is a Leather/BSDM Household based in Los Angeles, CA

Ana is a Pro-switch and Event Coordinator at Sanctuary Studios, where Ezra also works as a Dungeon Monitor and Event Coordinator.

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