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Answer Avenue - Safety First!

September 1, 2014


Safety First!


I’m a Dom who has an issue with safe words.  I think that safe words are ridiculous when it’s my job to be testing your limits.  Why is everyone so in to ‘safe’ words?


Safe words are used in BDSM to delineate a line in the sand to let the Dom know that the submissive is approaching scary territory.  So although it is important for you ‘test’ the submissive’s limits, you have to do so in a very safe way. 


Many people think that BDSM is all about pain, when in fact that isn’t always the case.  Safe words can be at a mental breaking point for the submissive as well.  I shouldn’t have to tell you that 99.9% of everything sexual comes from the mind. Therefore when I say you need to play safely I’m talking more about the mind than the pain.


In my opinion if you purposefully take someone past their safe word/point without really knowing them then you are committing a form of rape.  The reason why BDSM leaves such a negative taste in people’s mouths is because of the actions of the very few who feel that it’s all about THEM.  Now this may sound contradictory, I mean isn’t the Dom supposed to make it all about THEM? Yes, but with a caveat.  You can’t make it so about yourself that you lose sight of the fact that there is another HUMAN BEING in the room. Dom/Dommes can get carried away in the moment as well as submissives but they should always strive to be the ones in complete control of both the scene they are in and THEMSELVES.  Submissive’s trust that you will NOT HARM them and that is an immense responsibility that should NEVER be taken lightly.


I know full well that many subs use a safe word out of fear of something.  You as the Dom may think they’re being a big baby but it’s not your place to judge. It’s your place to work them past that fear, gently and lovingly, or in the case of a hard limit…STOP.  Also if you’re running a business as a Pro-Dom/Domme it is NEVER about YOU!  Sorry for that spoiler alert but if someone is paying you for a service, you deliver that service in an attempt to make that CUSTOMER happy.  It’s about THEM not you. 


I can’t tell you the number of horror stories I hear in my practice about submissives who end up doing wretched things that would make your stomach flip all in the name of pleasing their Master or Mistress.  So this is my call to YOU the Dom/Dommes out there, you are playing with a person’s mental health and that is no game.  To have them do deplorable acts as amusement for you knowing full well that they are only trying to make you happy makes you a psychopath.  As a Dom/Domme your pleasure should come from the pleasure you’re giving the sub and in turn they gain their pleasure from pleasing you, again this is a pretty sacred bond that should never be screwed with or worse used against the submissive.


When a safe word is uttered all play must cease whether you think it’s dumb or not, especially if you’re doing Pro work because to move past that can become a huge legal issue, jail time and really reflects more on you as a person than you as a Dom/Domme.


My Life is Over…

I recently figured out that I might be submissive and I hate it.  I’m a guy.  Guy’s aren’t supposed to be this way but when it comes to sex I can’t stop thinking these demented thoughts about female domination.  I feel like I’m being torn in two, part of me thinks it’s hot and the other part of me, especially after I orgasm, thinks I’m insane or heading in that direction.  I don’t want to be a freak. Help me!


First of all let me assure you that you’re not going insane.  You’re experiencing what many, many, many, many men feel when they first wake up to the possibility that they might be sexually submissive. 

Our society is still stuck in the archaic mind-set that we must raise all of our males to be alpha males and all of our females to be submissive women.  In my opinion this type of parenting needs to end. It’s Draconian at best because of what you just mentioned - this feeling of being torn in half. 

As parents, instead of pushing your male child in to a direction that you think will be socially acceptable why not let your child make their own decisions.  Let your male child play with dolls if he wants or take swimming instead of football.  Let THEM decide what THEY want to try not you and not society.  Your kids are hardwired to follow their instincts - it’s YOU who kills that in them.  Leave your kids alone and let them discover and be whatever they want to be so that they don’t end up like this gentleman who feels like he’s being torn in half because he’s not doing what he ‘should’ be doing. 


I came to the conclusion a very long time ago that human beings are innately bi-sexual.  Now some experts and of course the extreme homophobes will tell me I’m nuts but I’ve come to this conclusion after many years of observation.  Sexuality, as Maters & Johnson have even stated, is a complete grey area. 


What I have found is that sexuality and its many facets run on a sliding scale.  Sort of like the sliders you see on a sound mixer, only with heterosexuality on one end and homosexuality on the other.  What you would think is that most people would be on the extreme heterosexual end after all that’s what we’re ‘supposed’ to be when in fact most of us fall dead smack in the middle. 


I consider myself to be hetero but I’m not so arrogant as to say that given the right circumstance, the right mood, the right person(s) that I wouldn’t slide over to the other side for a while and neither can any one of you.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the phrase, “if you’d have told me I’d be doing this a year ago I’d tell you you’re nuts.”


As both adolescents and young adults most people have experimented in some way with the same gender.  Not that anyone is talking about it because it’s not ‘acceptable.’  Remember you’re not supposed to slide over to the middle, you’re supposed to stay safely ensconced on the hetero end of our slider.  Why did I just tell you about sexuality? Because that same slider works when we break sexuality down even further in to its many niches.


In Domination and submission we all run on the same slider system.  There is no one on this planet who is 100% dominant or 100% submissive. ..no one.  You may think you are but again if we give you the right circumstances things can change.


Let me give you an example. If I take a person who considers themselves to be 100% submissive and I take someone they love and I hurt that person in front of them they probably won’t stay submissive for too long. 


Therefore you can be mostly submissive or in some cases just sexually submissive and the rest of your time you’re dominant.  It’s our sliding scale again.  Today I’m feeling submissive, tomorrow I might feel dominant.  I tell people the following because it’s based on truth; some of the biggest corporations are run by sexually submissive men.  They’re dominant all day long.  They have, in some cases, millions of lives that depend on them to make the right decisions.  However when they go home, they don’t want to call the shots anymore.  The beauty of this type of lifestyle is that the gentlemen who are able to play this are much more balanced, less stressed and all around happier individuals. 


So thinking that because you’ve discovered that you’re sexually submissive that life now must end or that you’re weird in some way comes down to you ALLOWING yourself to be whatever you feel like being in any given moment.  We are all both submissive and dominant.  We are all bi-sexual.  It all depends on the sliding scale and where you’re sitting at this point in time. 

Allow yourself to be what you want to be in any given moment. Stop trying to live up to a societal standard that changes every minute of every day, it’s an exercise in futility.  Stop trying to put yourselves in to nice, neat boxes in pretty, perfect columns. Celebrate your differences instead of pointing them out as flaws.  Relish in your submission but don’t ever feel guilty about who you are.


As for why you feel especially guilty for your behavior after an orgasm, it’s because you get a rush of hormones when you have that orgasm that changes your point of view for about 45 minutes.  After that you return to your true self.  It all comes down to giving yourself permission to explore and taste and experience life, because that’s the whole point of why we’re here.  This is YOUR journey, not ‘theirs.’


You Want Me to What?


My husband says he wants me to dominate him and I have no idea what to do and to be quite honest I don’t think I can be that way.


It can be hard when your husband dumps that bombshell on you out of the blue.  The problem is that most men don’t know how to approach it with their wives so they just blurt what they want and leave you to pick up the pieces.  So the first thing is, don’t panic, he’s still the guy you fell in love with but for whatever reason has discovered or has maybe known all along that he’s sexually submissive. 


The problem with saying, ‘I want you to dominate me,’ is that it’s like walking in to a candy store and saying to the clerk, “I want candy.”  What kind of candy do you want? Soft? Hard? Chocolate? Peppermint? Fruity? The possibilities are endless and it’s the same for domination.  So step one is to find out exactly what he means by, ‘dominate me.’


He’ll have some side fetishes such as being in to feet, stockings, high heels, breasts or your ass just to name a few.  Find out what that side fetish(s) is and honestly to start off you can do simple tease and denial which is quite fun.  Whatever his fetish is use that to get his attention and then deny it to him.  Tease him with it. Play games where he has to earn time with it.


It doesn’t have to be about standing there feeling butch-y with a whip in your hand.  Female domination is more about using seduction to capture attention than it is walking around looking like Xena Warrior Princess, although you’d be surprised at how many guys WOULD like you to dress that way.  It’s more about what YOU are comfortable doing and wearing. 


So go shopping and find yourself something YOU feel sexy in, not what he wants.  You’ll get confidence from what you wear and confidence is an aphrodisiac.  Corsets make any woman look and feel sexy and they certainly don’t have to be leather if you’re not in to that.  You can go shiny patent leather, brocade, satin, even themed (eg. Gothic  skulls).  In the sex shop I owned I always made a point of bringing in very feminine, sexy BDSM-wear; corsets with rhinestones, lace and fringe.  My point is that you can dominate in a work suit or your yoga clothes it doesn’t matter.  If corsets aren’t your thing then think costume role play.  You play the cop, he plays the prisoner.  You play the doctor, he’s the patient.  You’re the teacher, he’s the naughty schoolboy - anything that puts you in a position of power.  It’s all about seduction and control not who can be the biggest bitch.


These ideas are just the very tip of the iceberg.  It’s to test the waters and get your feet wet. So if you consider yourself extremely new and thrown in to this just remember that it’s about YOU.  Nothing has changed you just get to play the ultimate princess now.  Once you get a taste of the power you feel when he’s begging for your attention you’ll wonder why you didn’t do this all along.  The trick is to make it something you can BOTH enjoy so mold it to your relationship.  And quit worrying about your neighbors, they’re doing something even kinkier than you, trust me. 

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