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Answer Avenue - Answer Avenue You said a Mouthful

June 2, 2014



You said a mouthful!


I consider myself to be a hetero male.  I love doin the ladies and they love what I have to offer.  It’s just that for as long as I can remember I’ve always fantasized about suckin dick.  Now I have never been abused sexually and I’ve never been with another male before so it’s not like this is some repressed shit.  But anytime I jerk and sometimes even when I’m doin the nasty with some lady I get these pictures in my head of me suckin dick and it’s so hot.  Does this make me a faggot? 


First of all let’s refrain from using the word faggot since you’re using it in such a derogatory manner.  That aside, you bring up a very valid issue that MANY guys deal with from time-to-time or for some more frequently and that’s the issue of, ‘if I suck a cock does that make me gay?’


Sexuality and all its many facets is never cut and dried.  It runs on a sliding scale.  It has been my observation both in my research and in the tens of thousands of men and women I have counseled through the years that we are all inherently bi-sexual, but because it’s on a sliding scale some of us just lean more to one side or the other.  I have seen it time and again that given the right circumstances, with the right person, in the right mood ANYONE could switch sides. 


A man fantasizing about sucking another man’s cock comes more from a Domination/submission standpoint than it does sexuality.  Unless you have romantic feelings towards the male whose cock you want to suck such as falling in love and growing old with them, you’re not gay.  You are a guy who wants to feel what it’s like to have a cock in his mouth. It’s partially curiosity and what I call penis awe.  Some people call it penis envy but I don’t think that’s an accurate word to use.  The thousands of hetero men in loving hetero marriages who dream of sucking another man’s cock all have a common element, the cock.

Whether the focus is on their own or the one they want to suck the common thread is that the cock they want to suck is much larger or different (circumcised/uncircumcised) than their own.  You can call that envy but I’ve found that it falls more in the realm of awe than envy. 


“What would it feel like to have one that big?”


“Does it feel different if you’re cut/uncut?”


“Is it heavier than mine?”


“What’s it look like soft?”


“What’s it feel like to have one that big in my mouth?”


Envision standing under the Eiffel Tower and looking up, that’s the best metaphor. It’s more WOW than gimme.  It’s more an admiration of beauty. 


So you can see where this falls more under D/s than it does sexuality.  The man who wants to suck another man’s cock, who considers himself hetero is submitting to the cock NOT the man with the cock.  That may come later but for most it doesn’t go further than sucking cock.


Gay is not something one becomes through a sexual act.  You can’t catch it like a virus, nor is it a decision, despite what some religious zealots would have their followers believe.


The human’s need to put everything in neat little boxes with big, shiny labels is what drives any type of ‘racism’ or any of the other ‘isms’.  We will never be able to do that with sexuality, gender or any of the other issues such as religion.  It’s ALL on that sliding scale. 


We spend so much time trying to be accepted in to little groups instead of celebrating the individuals we all are.  SPOILER ALERT* We are all different and THAT’S the basis of life.  We all feel things differently and experience things differently and out of that difference desire is born and out of desire comes innovation and growth.


So stop stressing about this making me gay or that making me a freak and just enjoy the moment you’re in with no guilt, fault, shame or blame. Because if you’re just fantasizing about it no one needs to know what goes on in your head unless you tell them and if you’re out there experiencing it stop being dramatic and just allow yourself to enjoy what you feel.  Cause no matter how much you try you can’t be ‘the other guy’ anyway.  And that’s a good thing.  


One reason there are so many people with mental health issues is because of the stress of trying to fit in, to be accepted to something or by someone and people trying to label themselves and others in a world that is based on difference is what causes this stress.  Celebrate being different instead of fighting it because it’s a fight you can’t win.  Relax and be YOU, cocksucker or not.



Closed-minded Psychiatry


Today I mentioned that I participate heavily in the BDSM scene to my otherwise very liberal, educated and competent therapist, who has been very helpful with several other issues so far. He said he didn't know what that was (he didn't even know the abbreviation), and when I explained, declared that unless I am willing to agree to stop all BDSM activities as soon as I am able to with his help, he will refuse to continue our therapy, and that until my BDSM has been "overcome", we cannot work on anything else. He declared that participating in BDSM is similar to being a drug addict, that is, a behaviour that is addictive, inherently harmful, and that makes it impossible for regular therapy to commence.


I explained to him that I have been participating in BDSM ever since I have been sexually active (so far, nearly a decade), and that though I have doubted meanwhile whether I am poly or mono, heterosexual or homosexual, that I have never doubted that I have a desire for BDSM, and consider it part of my sexual orientation, that is: something that is a part of me, that I accept, that I am not ashamed of, and that I am neither willing nor able to change. That I have gone without BDSM activities for as long as a year for reasons which I found plausible (monogamous partner who didn't want to participate; I'd never force this on anyone) and had found that I was able to, the same way that I am able to go without sex for long periods of time if I am single or in a long-distance monogamous relationship; that this points out to me that it is not an addiction, but merely an activity which means a lot to me. I have told him that it has improved my sex life, my relationships, and my overall quality of life, that there is a specific intensity of positive feelings which I think one can only experience through BDSM, and love experiencing. I explained about consent, safewords, being a feminist, and not tolerating domestic abuse. I talked about risk-awareness, of the fact that I have suffered no long-term damage, of my training in first aid, the studies I have read on risky BDSM behaviours, about STI-safety.


He said I was just justifying my behaviour and closing my eyes to how problematic is was the same way any addict would, and that as someone who had studied human psychology and psychiatry and worked at university a lot he was sure that what I was talking about was unhealthy.


I hear this from my clients all the time and in my opinion the behavior of this therapist is deplorable.  Granted I don’t know the back story of why you’re seeing a therapist in the first place but barring anything seriously wrong with your psyche what you were told is horrible. 

What I want you to remember is that the science of the mind is still in its infancy.  We are literally cavemen throwing rocks at the moon when it comes to how the mind works.  So no one, let me say that one more time, NO ONE has all the answers. 

Obviously I think therapy can be very good for you and help you get through issues with someone who is supposed to have no bias and who is trained to help you deal with those issues.  However just as there are good and bad doctors in any field, there are good and bad therapists too, and out of those few good therapists fewer still are good sexual therapists.  Now take that handful of good sexual therapists and maybe one specializes in BDSM and fetish.  Don’t assume that a general therapist will EVER understand sexual issues, let alone BDSM or fetish. 


Although it’s not supposed to happen, clearly he has allowed his own opinion to cloud his advice to you.  Unfortunately that happens more than you might think which is why your advice will differ from therapist to therapist.  If I’m more conservative my advice to you will be more conservative.  Some therapists get stuck on types and style of therapy.  You say you felt this guy was liberal but it’s clear that he’s not as liberal as even he thinks he is.

This gentleman actually sounds very conservative and quite old-school which is probably why he’s not only closed-minded about the subject but didn’t even KNOW OF the subject.  People like this don’t think outside the box or outside the books on his shelves and that’s ok it’s just not ok for you.


I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope he didn’t make you feel diminished.  Just because someone doesn’t understand something you’re doing doesn’t make it wrong.  To be quite honest you sound perfectly fine with regards to your BDSM side. So remind your Doc even food can be addictive and what’s he gonna do, not talk to people who eat?



What Good Are Ya?


I wonder about something related to BDSM. In daily life, there are no reasons for me to doubt that both genders are of equal status. The whole "women should stay in the kitchen" BS is something I disagree with. But I have always noticed that the vast majority of women like to be the rather passive and submissive one when it comes to sex. This also means that men are usually expected to be rather aggressive and dominant in bed. I don't necessarily mean that the man presses her against the wall and forces himself on her or some other forms of rough sex. I mean the psychological aspect of the man taking and the woman letting herself to be taken.


But what if the man has a submissive nature? I have read several times phrases like "the man should be assertive in bed, I want a man, not a pansy" from women. It seems quite unnatural for women to prefer the dominant role in bed. Which, if you are a sub male, is very bad, because most women would be put off by your submissive nature, and the few truly dominant women would be overwhelmed with sub males who want to be her slave etc.


My question is, how bad is it really? How bad is the sub male / dom female ratio? Perhaps some women are introduced to the world of dominance and submission by her sub partner and then discover a dominant side in them. But how often does this happen? I guess a horror scenario all subs can relate to is that you try to tell your partner one day about your sub feelings and she is horrified and disgusted, calling you a sick pervert, that she wants a real man etc.


To start off with your first question the sub male to Domme female is quite unbalanced. Many more sub males than Domme females, however that is changing. Women are being raised a bit more dominantly than they used to and are not as fazed by the whole D&s subject anymore unfortunately that isn’t going to help you right now. 


One of the myriad of problems our society has right now is the very archaic parenting of raising a male child to be alpha and a female child to be submissive.  What we should be doing is letting the kids pick their own sides.  Nothing is worse than being inherently submissive and forced to be alpha which is what we do to all our male children and all that does is cause conflict when the sub male is older thinking that they are somehow flawed or not a ‘real man’ and nothing could be farther from the truth.


What I get my sub males to do when they are in a situation similar to yours is to assess the female they’re with first.  Does she have a dominant streak?  Can she be bossy?  Is she a good mom?  Now the last one is tricky because by good mom I mean does she really parent the kids or does she let the kids walk all over her.  A mom who has the upper hand will be a great Domme. 


Now even if she is still submissive sexually that’s okay we can slowly turn that around.  Chances are she doesn’t even know she could be a good Domme because that’s the last thing she’s thinking of.  To start the ball rolling and to get her more in to that head space I recommend that you start putting her in positions of power in the bedroom through role play.  She’s the cop, you’re the prisoner.  She’s the teacher, you’re the naughty schoolboy.  The point of doing this is to let her naturally take the dominant lead.


Women tend to think that being dominant means being ‘butch’ and losing their sexuality.  When you say Dominatrix to a vanilla female she has visions of whips, chains, harness and cruelty which most women wouldn’t want to be a part of and rightfully so.  What they don’t understand is that domination is based more in sensuality.  That it doesn’t mean standing there with a frying pan in their hand screaming their head off.  The fact is most women don’t know just how much power they really have and how intoxicating that power can be. 


By going under her radar and putting her in these positions of sexual power you’ll start her thinking that it’s not so bad after all.  If you were to do what you said and just regurgitate all your kinks while you’re eating dinner it WILL NEVER go well.  Why?  Because you’re throwing her in to something that she didn’t even conceive of first of all and secondly she’ll over analyze the hell out of anything you tell her.  Blaming first herself, then you.  It’s much better to let her come to the conclusions herself.  It doesn’t always work but it works about 80% of the time.


Remember, you can’t expect someone to know what they don’t know.  If she’s working like a dog in her career or raising your kids or both the LAST think she’s thinking about is, ‘I wonder how I can torture my husband tonight,’ which is why I would never tell a sub male to blurt out everything he wants.  It’s a process and it takes time so you have to be patient.  If she seems to be enjoying herself in the bedroom being dominant then you can move on to other things.  You can suggest one thing you may have seen online, even if it’s been in your head since you were twelve.  Something like, “you know I read this article online that says a guy having an anal orgasm is really intense, would you be willing to try it out with me?”  Not, “Honey I bought you a strap-on and dildo why don’t you try it on?”  The second one is likely to get you that frying pan in your head. Trust me, if take your time it will naturally intensify but it’ll be on her terms which is the most important part and before you know she’ll be the one shopping for implements of sweet, seductive torture for you.

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