Adult Talk: Can You be in a Successful Relationship and Be a Sex Worker?
Is it possible to be in a committed, long-term relationship and be a Sex Worker, regardless of what type of sex work you do? If it is how you pay your bills or if it’s just a side gig for a little extra cash? I am sure that if you met someone that was secure, non-judgemental, tolerant, and open to honest communication, then you could live out your days as a Sex Worker with little to no strife in your relationship.
But let’s be honest, the person I described above can be very hard to find. If you can make it through the beginning stages of dating, the thought of you being a Sex Worker can be exciting, seducing even (that is not to say that it isn’t difficult telling someone you are a Sex Worker, and even more difficult for them to accept and understand that) but the dynamics can change as feelings grow deeper. What your partner once found stimulating and enticing, may now have undertones of jealousy and possessiveness. Sure, when you begin something with someone, there can be a cutesy “Yeah, that’s mine” (look all you want, because it’s all mine!) energy about things, but as things get more serious, sometimes it can become more of a “That’s mine!” (quit looking at what’s mine!) smug vibe to it.
Can a meaningful relationship and sex work work-out? No doubt that it can. Sex Workers of all types have successful relationships all the time. The trick is to always encourage an open communication policy with your partner from the start. You should invite and encourage them to ask questions. Always answer them honestly. Don't lie or hide anything. Doing so will only come back and bite you in the ass! It will open a whole new can of obstacle worms that is unnecessary. Now may be an appropriate time to address any boundaries that either of you have as well. Knowing ahead of time what is acceptable and what is off-limits is essential. If you do this, there will be no “Oh, I didn’t realize” type moments. While these are innocent mistakes, they can still cause unneeded conflict.
So, things are going good in your relationship; you are heading towards official status, maybe even down the "L" word road. Awesome! You are lucky to have met someone who is understanding, non-judgemental, respectful of boundaries, trusting, and best of all: Respectful of you! May you and your relationship continue to grow into and transcend anything you had ever wanted a relationship to be!
But, and I hate to end this love-fest with a “but”, but make sure you are watching for little red flags that can pop up. Sometimes people are good at hiding how they honestly feel. Watch for undertones of passive-aggressiveness and look out for back-handed compliments. These things can tell you volumes about what someone is truly feeling. They may try to make you feel guilty because you chose to work instead of spending time with them. I mean you can pick your hours, right? Why do you have to work tonight? Trust me, all theses trivial things can culminate into something big, something the relationship can not bounce back and will turn a relationship toxic quicker than you can say “How much for a quickie?”. If you keep your eyes open, stay perceptive, and trust your instincts, you will be able to see the red flags from the normal relationship glitches. Fix the glitches, sit down and think hard on the red flags.
Can you be in a successful relationship while being a Sex Worker? My heart wants to say yes, absolutely! My guts tell me it is going to be a lot of work, on both sides. Do not let that stop you from pursuing everything you want in your life! If a potential partner forewarns you that they are not okay with your chosen career, or if you see any red flags, unless they mean so much to you that you are willing to stop sex work, it's best to cut your losses and wait for someone who accepts and loves you for who you are, despite your career choice!
I will now tell a cautionary tale. A story that has been a constant source of torment and misery in my life, even to this day. Something I once whole-heartedly delighted in doing turned my life into a nightmare.
The Sex Worker and Her Self-Righteous Partner: What to do in Unsupportive & Toxic Relationships
I am a very transparent person. I believe in open and honest communication. This starts from the moment I meet someone and it sometimes means I scare people off quickly. I am an open book and always have been. It is especially important when you are dealing with another human being’s emotions or feelings, like in a dating or relationships. If I am getting to know a guy and there is potential there, I usually drop the bomb before the first date: I am a Sex Worker. I explain I am an online and Real-Time Pro-Domme, and what that entails.
Naturally, it comes up early on in the “getting to know you” question and answer stage. It logically follows the obligatory, “so what do you do?” Since I happen to have my fingers in a bunch of pots, I mention a few tamer things, and then slip that detail in the end “. . . and I am a Pro-Domme”. Much of the time, I get an overwhelmingly positive response. Although my instincts do tell me that this initial excitement is from being around a girl that is Sexy, Dominant, and will have you on all fours, pegging you. Whatever the reason, during our actual date, I’ll go into some more detail about my job and oh how I love to watch the excitement drain from their face when they discover it’s not all 50 Shades of Grey!
I ask them, genuinely, “Is this something you think you can handle if we got serious?” 100% say yes, absolutely. I would guestimate 80% of them find they cannot handle it right off the bat. It takes an added few weeks for another 10% to realize they are not into it. And I think saying 10% of people can handle it is being very liberal! Will it make them jealous? Or will the stigma embarrass them? There is also the vey real possibility that they do not want Mom and Dad finding out! Will the incessant teasing from their friends annoy them? Or is it something more? Maybe the thought of sharing you is just too much for them. Or is it like the case of my most recent (and still fresh) partner’s reasoning: the moral high ground.
When I met him, it was like a tidal wave of glittery, accepting delightfulness! Everything went according to my script, although it may have been made slightly easier because we did meet on FetLife.com. We started messaging, which quickly turned into texting, which inevitably turned to phone/Skype calls. I didn’t have to tell him what I did, he knew through FetLife but I did reiterate it to him! He thought it was “kinda cool” and had quite a few questions for me that no one had ever asked before. Our chemistry was undeniable and we had a lot in common. After about a week, we met in real life.
I met him at his house to watch a movie (Yes, I recognize the potential perils of doing such things!) and as amazing as our chemistry was through Skype and on the phone, it was explosive in real life. I won’t get into all the finer details of our time spent together, but we did start dating right away. We dated for about, oh 7 to 10 days everything going really good as far as I could tell. And then one evening I get a random text from him saying “I am sorry, you were right. I can’t handle what you do. I don’t want to see you anymore.” I was taken aback, and to be honest, slightly devastated. It felt like it came out of left field because we were getting along so great. Regardless, I thanked him for his honesty and the respect to message me and let me know. He thanked me for being mature about it. And that was it. Or so I thought.
I was truly upset, disproportionately so, but you can’t help you feel. I decided I was going to put myself back out there right away and met a nice guy. I was on a date with him when my ex must have pulled out his honing beacon, because I got a text from him to hangout. And you know what I did? I ditched “nice guy” and went to see the ex. We had a little bit of a conversation and figured, we both really wanted to make this work, so we were going to find a way make it work! I figured little compromise from me, a little leeway from him and we could definitely make a go of this. I could give some stuff up, I didn’t need to do all the things I was doing. So, I started giving up a little bit here, a little bit there, and he stayed on his moral high horse. I am not lying when I say I could see it in his eyes; the disdain, the moral condescension, the complete disgust. And I would be lying if I said that the resentment did not start to slowly boil in me.
We dated for a little over 5 months, all together. And I can say with 100% certainty, there was not a single day that went by that we did not fight over what my career choices and my end goals are. I did care enough about the guy to make some compromise, but it was never good enough. He’d invite me over and when I declined due to work, he would tell me to come work at his place. The times I did go, he got mad at me for, well, doing work. I would try to have adult conversations with him, to no avail. I’d say “Babe, what happened to the compromise and leeway? What if I had a traditional job 9 to 5 job? I couldn’t just come over to your place to work.” His response, “But you work all the time.” Well yeah, it’s true I do work more than 40 hours a week, but like I said, I have more “jobs” than just being a Sex Worker. He started each day by reminding me that he didn’t completely trust me and his insults became a little bit ruder, definitely more insidious, and a lot more demeaning, even vulgar at times.
What I did doesn’t classify as work! It was dirty money, I was too lazy to get a real job etc.
In the last few weeks before it all came to a head, he *tried* very hard to make me feel ashamed and worthless about myself and my choices. Making utterance such as “You’re so much better than this.” “What are you doing to your life?” “No sane man is ever going to marry someone like you.” “You’re no better than a hooker on the street”, and they just progressively got worse until it culminated in him calling me a “piece of garbage”. There it was, the bottom line, my bottom line. Our relationship wasn’t working out and it was never going to work out because he had no respect for me in the least.
At the end of the day, don’t change who you are or what you do for anybody! Don’t stay in toxic relationships. You are much better off single then to be with someone who just does not respect you. Save yourself for someone who will love and respect you, regardless of what you do!